Question Prince: Hello Gabriel. Who are you?
Gabriel Featherstone: My name is Gabriel Featherstone. I’m an arrogant and delightful stand-up comedian. My life is a carnival of joy.
Question Prince: Describe your creative process.
Gabriel Featherstone: I am not a creator. I am just a man who sometimes finds things in his head. Every morning, after I’ve had my standard breakfast of meat and skulls, I’ll find that my beautiful head has become filled with acceptable stand-up routines. I don’t feel comfortable describing myself as the author of these routines. I don’t know where they come from, these perfectly fine routines of mine, but I’m thrilled that they end up in my skull. Without them I would be lost.
Question Prince: Do you remember your very first gig?
Gabriel Featherstone: I was in a High School talent show when I was 16. I did 15 minutes of stand-up about cannibalism, savage children and the internal organs of an elephant. The audience loved my act. Several people vomited because they were so happy to have seen me perform. My English teacher told me it was the best thing he’d ever seen. Sadly, the headmaster interpreted my performance as a brutal attack against everything he held to be sacred, so I wasn’t allowed to perform in any of the subsequent talent shows.
Question Prince: What is your least favourite thing about being a stand-up comedian?
Gabriel Featherstone: I often have to stay up later than I’d like to. Most shows with stand-up in them happen after 3pm and I hate being awake after 3pm. It makes me feel weak and sexually undesirable, like a butterfly made of sewage.
Question Prince: Why are you a stand-up comedian?
Gabriel Featherstone: When I was a child, illiterate and obsessed with trains, my mother showed me several important episodes of “Seinfeld”. This was my first exposure to the great and devastating world of stand-up comedy. I was in awe of Jerry Seinfeld’s incredible capacity for saying amusing things in front of strangers in exchange for money. I coveted an identical capacity for several years. Eventually, l was able to acquire one by having my cowardice surgically removed by an agreeable hairdresser. It saddens me that I will never be able to repay her for her kindness. I would start by helping her to escape from prison, but I don’t know where she’s being held. She was arrested for performing imaginary surgery without a licence. She’ll be up for parole in 30 years. I’m sure she’ll be fine.
Question Prince: Your new show is called “Carved From Ape”. What is it about?
Gabriel Featherstone: It’s about 55 minutes long.
Question Prince: Do you use art as a vessel for meaning or meaning as a vessel for your art?
Gabriel Featherstone: I like to think that meaning is a vessel for my art, but it isn’t. My art is simple and elegant. Its only purpose is to convince people that I am a fantastic man, with several erotic characteristics, who deserves to be worshiped and cosseted by all the people of the world. My art is a stranger to failure and everyone loves me.
Question Prince: You’ve organised a scary variety show for the Comedy Festival. I order you to tell me about it.
Gabriel Featherstone: It’s called “The Shoggoth Cabaret” and it features morbid music, scintillating burlesque and profoundly disturbing comedy from some of the eeriest and most remarkable performers in the whole universe of space and time. It’s gonna be huge and tasty, like a behemoth made of banoffee sponge and lemon meringue fingers. Jim The Hobbit, Anna Secret Poet, Tootsie Annie, Lady Phoenix and The Creative Martyrs are all good people, they’re all terrific entertainers and they’re all in the show. “The Shoggoth Cabaret” will significantly improve the value of your personality if you come and see it.
Question Prince: Have you ever been able to enjoy a meal that didn’t involve beef or pornographic cutlery?
Gabriel Featherstone: No, and I’d thank you to never ask me a question of that nature ever again. Questions like that make me feel weak and sexually undesirable, like an aphid made of sandpaper. You’ve really offended me. This interview is over.